


Cornflower And Static

by Lisztomaniaddict



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Cuddling, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Josh is a Good Friend, Lots of Crying, M/M, Mild Suicidal Thoughts, Panic Attack, Tyler needs a nap and a hug, anxiety attack, bed sharing, josh dun - Freeform, joshler - Freeform, tyler joseph - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 11:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19106167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisztomaniaddict/pseuds/Lisztomaniaddict
Summary: “This is gonna- gonna sound weird,” Tyler hiccuped.“It’s okay. Weird is okay. I just need you to stay on the phone with me.”Tyler was silent for a few moments before he continued.“I need something to kill me.” He cried softly. And that one sentence broke Josh’s heart.-Tyler is crumbling and Josh just needs to keep him on the phone.





	1. Cornflower And Static: Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Tyler has some suicidal thoughts and a little bit of a break down. Vague self-harm mentions. Stay safe, loves.  
> -  
> I had a really easy time writing this to be honest. And I like how it turned out. Enjoy!  
> -  
> Edit: This work reached 400+ hits! Thank you guys so much. To see that you guys like my writing is really encouraging. :)

   He sat there. Just. Staring. For how long, Tyler didn’t really know. He didn’t look at a clock before sitting down. Nonetheless, he sat there, staring down a blank sheet of paper. The very same paper that he’d pulled out at the beginning of the week. It’s blue lines and bordered edges leaving a monotonous taste in the back of his throat.

He hated the all too familiar feeling. Like there was something inside him. Something beautiful, something terrifying, something alive. But he couldn’t manage to let it get out. And it would sit there eating away at him. Clawing against his heartstrings, and suffocating him. “Creative Constipation”, Josh called it, giving it a lighter moniker. But it had never lasted this long. Sure, he’d spent weeks or even months piecing notes and words together, but to have gone this long without writing anything? It was painful. An aching, that branched through his fingers and up forearms. Like his arms were filled with pitch black ink and TV static. Or at least what he thought ink and static would feel like. 

   He pushed back from his desk in defeat, brought his knees to his chest and groaned, pressing the palms of his hands against his eyes.

“Nnngghh.”

Maybe he could sink into the floor, like molasses, drip between the paneling, dissipate into the ground, and never have to feel anything again. That would be a rational solution, right?

‘Josh would miss you though.’ He told himself. 

Josh. He hadn’t seen him all week. He was probably worried about him. But if he was actually worried, wouldn’t he have called? Or texted? Maybe he was busy. Probably working. Maybe he just forgot. Had Josh forgotten about him? What if he had? Would Tyler be able to do anything about it? He couldn’t stop thinking. He felt empty. 

   Tyler pulled his hands up from his face to run them through his hair. It was oily and matted from so many restless nights. He’d forgotten to take a shower, he realized. He sighed in submission, his hands falling to his sides. He needed something. Anything to stop the aching, the headaches, the thinking. In his mind he had two options, one of which would disappoint Josh. He didn’t really want to do that so he went with the other.

Reaching for his phone on the desk, his thoughts swam into dangerous territory. What if he was bothering him? Maybe he shouldn’t call. He unlocked the device and opened his contacts. Maybe he won’t pick up. Maybe his phone is turned off. He pressed the call button. It started ringing. 

One. 

Maybe he doesn’t want to talk. 

Two. 

Maybe he’s working. 

Three. 

Maybe he-

“Hello?”

Josh’s voice came through, walnut and cornflower blue. His own voice was suddenly gravel. He couldn’t get anything out. Why couldn’t he say something?

“Ty? You okay?” 

A noise. A word. Something. Anything. 

“Tyler? Please answer. You’re scaring me.” 

Josh sounded different over the phone. Maybe it was how far away he sounded. Like the tin can telephones he’d used as a kid. All echoey. He wanted to say something back. He couldn’t let him hang up. 

   “Tyler. God, please say something. Anything. Just please let me know that you haven’t done something..something horrible.” His voice shook, cornflower to concrete. “I’m coming over right now, alright? Just stay with me.”

He shouldn’t have called. He was scaring Josh. It was his fault. Always Tyler’s fault. He tried to speak again. 

“I didn’t.”

He heard Josh sigh in relief. His voice felt raw, quiet, and he didn’t sound right, but he’d finally said something. 

“Okay. Okay, Ty. That’s good. Okay.” He seemed to be reassuring himself more than Tyler. 

“I- I was going to. But I didn’t.” He heard Josh’s breath catch. 

“What stopped you?”

Tyler gave a short, hollow chuckle, running a hand through his hair. 

“I didn’t want you to be sad.” He mumbled. He could feel tears rolling down his face, but couldn’t bring himself to exert the energy to wipe them away. He heard an engine running quietly on the other line, adding white noise to the conversation. Josh began to speak again. 

“That’s good,” He said quietly. “That’s really good, Ty. I’m glad you had a reason to stop.” 

He sat and listened to Josh’s breathing for a minute. It was comforting, in a sad sort of way. He could almost pretend he was here, already next to him. 

“Are you okay?” Tyler asked. 

“Me?” Josh gave a sharp laugh in exasperation and disbelief. “I’m not the person who should be asking that. I’m more concerned about you!”

He knew that Josh was crying now. His voice sounded heavier, thicker. Like his lungs were full of oil and smoke. 

“I-“ Tyler stopped himself. He watched a few tears hit the floor. The other line went dead silent. 

“What, Ty?” Josh said softly. 

“I- I don’t-“ He was sobbing now. He tried to calm his breathing, but couldn’t. 

“Shh. It’s okay. You can let it out. I’m right here. You can tell me.” 

He cried some more.

“This is gonna- gonna sound weird,” Tyler hiccuped. 

“It’s okay. Weird is okay. I just need you to stay on the phone with me.”

Tyler was silent for a few moments before he continued. 

“I need something to kill me.” He cried softly.

“Why?” He heard Josh stifle a sob. 

“It’s just, if I do it myself, it’ll be my fault. And- and you’ll be so disappointed. And sad. And it’s hard to do. But if something else kills me. It’s not my fault. It’s less work, to have something- something else do it. And everyone will believe that- that I fought my hardest to stay alive. And you’ll be sad, but it won’t be my fault. And I’ll be gone.” His voice trailed off at the end. 

“I’m so sorry, Josh.” His voice was so quiet, he wasn’t sure it could be heard over the crying on the other line. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Ty. Nothing. Do you hear me?” Josh’s voice felt like cough syrup. Tyler was silent. 

“You are so strong,” His voice cracked. “And I wish I could help you understand how strong you are. The fact that you are still here is proof enough.” Silence. “I’m almost there, okay? I’m so close, just stay with me.” 

Was he right? He didn’t feel strong. It didn’t feel strong to cry yourself to sleep every night, or to not eat simply because it’s too much work, or to sit inside locked bathroom doors, disabling razors and- 

Josh’s voice came through the phone. But he wasn’t speaking. He was humming something. Some song Tyler didn’t know. It was warm, beautiful, and it felt like Josh. 

He started crying again, the melody in the background. Tyler had read somewhere once that tears were good for your skin. Maybe he’d end up a model or something. If he made it that far. 

“I’m-“ Josh sniffed. “-I’m pulling up right now, okay?” Tyler didn’t respond. 

He heard him in the driveway, a car door opening and closing quickly, and his front door opening. He didn’t have the energy to hang up the phone or go to meet him. 

“Tyler?”

He didn’t respond. Hearing Josh’s voice in person now and not over the phone sounded different. He liked him better in person. Footsteps sounded heavy near his room. 

“Ty-“

Josh pushed the door open. Tyler was on the floor, knees pushed up, phone still in his hand. His face tear stained and eyes empty. Purple-green hues sat under his skin and below his lashes from lack of sleep. He didn’t even look up. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, dropping the phone and placing his head in his hands. Josh quickly ran over and embraced him, tears threatening to spill over again. Tyler rested his head on Josh’s shoulder as he shook, his hands balled in his shirt.

“What did I tell you?” Josh mumbled into Tyler’s hair. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“But-“ 

“No.” Josh pulled him tighter. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“I should have been there. I’m your best friend, goddamn it.” The tears finally fell. “I should have been there.”

Tyler cried harder, exhaling ink and static, inhaling cornflower. His tears soaking through Josh’s shirt, his breathing short, until he had nothing left. He laid still in his arms, eyes closed, reveling in some semblance of momentary peace. 

“It’s okay,” Josh whispered, slowly running his hand up and down Tyler’s back. “It’s okay. I’m here now.”

 


	2. Cornflower and Static: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey.” Josh said.  
> “Mm.”  
> “Get over here.” Tyler turned to look at Josh.  
> “What?”  
> “You need a hug. You don’t get to say no.” He held his arms open, moving to lay flat on his back. Tyler still didn’t move.  
> “Tyler Robert Joseph.”  
> Tyler moved.  
> -  
> Tyler can’t sleep. So Josh shares the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and bed sharing(couch sharing?) await you. Enjoy.

   Josh stayed over that night. Pushing thecouches around and sleeping in the living room. Pulling musty smelling blankets out of painted closets. But Tyler couldn’t sleep again. The static was back, seeping from his mind into his bones. He could feel his throat closing up. His mind getting clouded. Like looking at everything through a foggy bathroom mirror. Staring aimlessly at pale walls in the dark wasn’t helping. He needed to stop. He needed to get out. He needed to  breathe.  He tried to do what Josh had told him.

   In.

   Out.

   In.

   Out. 

   In.

   In.

   In.

   He couldn’t breathe. He squeezed his eyes shut, searching, pleading for  cornflower. All he could taste was copper. Maybe it was the panic, maybe it was his lip, pressed so tightly between between his teeth. Fingernails against his scalp, his hands were knotted so hard in his hair, he was afraid he would pull it out. All of his normal coping methods weren’t working. And he couldn’t go another week without sleeping. He just couldn’t. Another week of zoning out of conversations. Another week of not eating. He began to reach a shaky hand toward his phone, before remembering that he wasn’t alone in the house.

   His bare feet felt so cold against the wood flooring in the living room. Why didn’t he put on socks? That would have been the smart thing to do. He placed carefully thought out steps down the hall. Josh looked peaceful on the couch. Mouth open slightly, snoring softly, his hair in all directions. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Tyler watched for a minute, arms wrapped tightly around his torso as his mind battled itself. He needed a lifeline. A tether. He didn’t really want to wake him. Maybe he should just try to go back to bed?

   “Josh?” He whispered. No response.

   “J-Josh?”

   “Mmmgh.” Josh moved a bit, his eyebrows creasing, his grip on the blanket around him tightening. 

   “Josh.”

   “Tyler?” He muttered, sitting up, his tired expression quickly contorting into one of concern when he saw his friends panicked state. “What’s wrong? What are you doing up?” Tyler stepped back a little, suddenly self conscious.

   ‘You’re scaring Josh again. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. Your f-‘

   “Just- Just couldn’t sleep.” He said quickly, tears prickling his eyes out of nowhere. Tyler turned to walk back toward his room. “Sorry for waking you up. I’ll just go back to be-“ Josh sat up farther.

   “Hey, hey, no. It’s okay.” Tyler looked down at his hands, unresponsive. “Really. It’s fine. That’s why I’m here. Come lay down.” 

   “But-“

   “No.” He patted the fraying cushion in front of him. “C’mere.”

   Tyler stood still for a moment, before giving in, climbing over the edge of the couch and laying down next to Josh, arms pressed tightly to his sides. 

   “Hey.” Josh said. 

   “Mm.” 

   “Get over here.” Tyler turned to look at Josh. 

   “What?” 

   “You need a hug. You don’t get to say no.” He held his arms open, moving to lay flat on his back. Tyler still didn’t move. 

   “Tyler Robert Joseph.” 

   Tyler moved. 

   Scooting over, he laid sideways, his head pressed against Josh’s chest. Warm. 

   “What’s wrong?” Josh whispered. “Why couldn’t you sleep?” Tyler released a shuddering sigh. 

   “I don’t really know. I just-“ He shifted slightly. “-I feel so empty. I can’t...” 

   Josh had started running his hand through Tyler’s hair, fingertips pressing against his hairline and behind his ears. Warm. It was like rain, washing away the ink stains inside his skull. 

   “Mm.” Tyler squeezed his eyes shut, drinking in the feeling. At hearing the noise he made, Josh stopped moving and started to pull his hand away. 

   “No. It’s- It’s okay. Don’t stop. I- I like it.” Tyler mumbled, pulling closer. 

   “Oh.” Josh repeated the movement. Warm. 

   “You have nice hair.” He whispered. “It’s very... fluffy.”

   “Thanks.” Tyler chuckled lightly. “You have nice hands.”

   “Yeah?”

   “Yeah.” 

   “What determines if someone has nice hands?”

   “I don’t know.” He let out a soft sigh. “I just know you have nice hands.”

   Tyler let himself breathe. He had felt like rubber band pulled too tight, like at any moment, he would snap. But laying here, next to Josh, it’s like he could feel every muscle loosen. He felt calm, which was a rarity to him. Tyler inhaled. Black ink to cornflower blue. He could hear Josh’s heartbeat, steady, underneath his head. 

   Maybe he should just convince Josh to stay over every night. Maybe then he would sleep. Everything about Josh was just so enticingly warm. He never wanted to get up. 

   Josh heard and felt Tyler mumble against his neck, sending shivers down his body. 

   “What did you say?” He asked, cornflower. Tyler moved his head slightly and repeated.

   “You’re really warm.” He whispered. “It’s nice.” 

   Josh smiled to himself, knowing he was helping calm him down. Tyler’s breath fanned against his neck, as he slowly and shakily brought his hands up against Josh’s chest, laying them against his shirt, breathing in cotton and lavender. Josh seemed to understand what he was trying to do, wrapping one leg around Tyler’s, his hands gently placed under the others head, and on his back. Warm. 

   “Is this okay?” Tyler gave a quiet hum in response. He felt Josh tilt his head slightly, placing a chaste, just barely there kiss to Tyler’s temple. “You’re gonna be okay, you know that? You’re gonna get through this.” Josh’s soft countenance faltered for a moment. “But you don’t have to do it alone. I’m always here.” Tyler pulled him closer, pressing his nose into Josh’s neck. Josh buried his face in Tyler’s hair, breathing it in. “We’re gonna be okay, Ty.” He whispered.

“We’re okay.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always. Leave suggestions for stories I should write in the comments. Thanks for reading.


	3. Cornflower And Static: Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn’t think I’d be doing a part three, but here we are! You can thank my lovely friend Dez for that. Enjoy, friends. <3

“We’re gonna be okay.”

The words echoed in Tyler’s head like the last chord of a piano piece as he stirred the next morning. It was such a pleasant thought. Like cotton and grass and woodsmoke. 

We’re gonna be okay. 

We’re gonna be okay. 

He hadn’t even opened his eyes before realizing a handful of startling revelations. 

One. 

He had slept through the night. The whole night. For the first time in months. 

Two. 

He had slept through the night with Josh. For the first time. Period. 

Three. 

He had slept through the night with Josh and he liked it. A lot. So much he hadn’t opened his eyes and was hoping he could just pull tighter to Josh, absorb the warmth, and fall back asleep. 

His hands gripped around Josh’s waist, praying that Josh wouldn’t wake up soon, so he could stay. He was so warm and soft and Tyler never wanted to be anywhere else. 

Josh was already awake he found out. Because despite the fact that Tyler was awake, Josh hadn’t noticed. Tyler still hadn’t opened his eyes, mind you. All he saw was a sleeping Tyler pulling closer with quiet desperation. 

He ran his hands through Tyler’s hair, a gentle expression on his face. Tyler nearly purred. It was a small gesture, but it meant everything. He was close to falling back asleep when Josh spoke. 

“I need you, you know.” It was barely audible. For a second he wondered if Josh was talking to himself. 

Josh continued. 

“And I don’t want to tell you. Because you need me right now. And I don’t want to put that on you.” 

The hand stopped as Josh sighed. 

“You deserve better. Every time you break down I’m afraid it’s partially my fault. Or I doubt I’ll be able to do anything about it.” 

He could hear Josh’s voice crack. 

“I’m so sorry. I know I’m not enough. I know. But I need you. So much. And I know I can’t help you. And I don’t know what to do.” 

Tyler could feel Josh’s chest shake as he tried to muffle his tears into the top of Tyler’s head, pulling him closer. 

He was scared, Tyler realized. All these thoughts of Josh not caring we’re dead wrong. Josh needed him. Like oxygen. Like the stars. And Josh was scared. 

Tyler felt guilty, ink seeping back into his previously calm thoughts, staining them pitch black. All the times he’d thought of Josh not wanting him. Of Josh having better things to do with his time. Of Josh not wanting to deal with such a mess. He was lying to himself. 

Josh needed him. And wanted him around. As scared as Tyler was of Josh leaving him, Josh had so much more to be scared of. 

Josh’s sobs became quieter as he whispered against the crown of Tyler’s head. 

“I love you. Please don’t leave. Please. I love-” A small choked sob broke the sentence in half. His voice was so fragile, a small breeze could have cracked it, sending it shattering across the floor in tiny splintered pieces. The voice of someone scared and on their last branch of hope. 

“I want to give you a reason.” Josh whispered. “A reason to stay. To want to exist.” Josh began stroking through Tyler’s hair again. “If not for me then- then for something. Anything. Just want to give you a reason.”

Tyler was conflicted. Stuck between “waking up” and trying to calm Josh down or “sleeping” and listening. He opted for the latter. The path of least resistance. 

“I know nothing I say will change your mind but you have so much going for you. You don’t think so right now, but you really do. You’ve got me. And your family. And your music. You’re so talented.”

Josh gave a soft sigh. 

“Wish you would sing to me more. Like, when you’re writing. And muttering and humming to yourself. Or doing dishes. And singing to the radio. I love it.” 

Josh shifted slightly next to Tyler, before his hands tightened protectively. 

“You- You stopped singing. When you’re doing stuff like that. And you stopped singing about happy things. I want to make you happy enough to sing again.”

Josh exhaled. 

“God, I don’t even- I’m rambling to you while you sleep. What am I doing?” 

Tyler felt awkward. Like he shouldn’t be listening. Even though all of these comments were directed at him. He was scared Josh would be able to feel his heartbeat. Josh loves him. And wants to make him happy. 

Tyler wanted to tell him that he does have a reason. He does. Josh is his reason. He’s still here for Josh. Because he can’t bear the thought of Josh going to work and not having anyone to call and talk to when he’s got nothing better to do. Or the though of Josh having to speak at his funeral, in front of people, and crying, because Tyler was gone. 

He couldn’t stop. He could feel the tears piercing hot against his skin, soaking into Josh’s shirt. Josh looked down in surprise and Tyler sobbed. 

“I’m sorry.” He pulled closer to Josh. “I’m s- so so sorry. I- I don’t want to l- leave. I won’t. Not whe- when you’re still here. I’m sorry.”

Josh only had a moment to collect himself from the realization that Tyler had heard everything to hug Tyler tightly and cry with him. 

“Shh. You don’t have to apologize. It’s okay.” Josh said softly. 

They could feel each other’s shaky, broken, fluctuating breaths and sobs, along with the small whimpers of apologies and promises that filled the room with an aura of catharsis and release.

When the sobbing died down, Tyler spoke. “I- I love you too. You should know that.” His voice got softer towards the end of the sentence. 

“Do you mean that?” Josh breathed. 

“Completely.” Tyler leaned forward and rested his forehead against Josh’s. 

“You’re my reason.” He whispered. 

Josh tried to not start crying again. It was enough. 

For now, it was enough. 


End file.
